2017-02-20 12:32 PM
Dear Pastor and Mrs. Begley,I don't really know what to say except that I've been a Christian for a number of years now, but I've been away from the church for a long time. Losing my sister, my mom and then my dad within 4 years didn't bring me home to the Lord. Instead, I went the opposite direction, angry and hating Him with everything in me for leaving me alone. I started looking at YouTube for some things, and I've had my eyes and, I thought, my heart opened. I've wanted to come back for so long. I told Him that, that I was sorry, that I wanted forgiveness and cleansing, that I wanted to be whole again, and gave Him my heart, and intended to be baptized again to start clean. Instead of feeling like I'm reconciled and that I'm back on the right path, nothing is going right. I'm constantly angry, nothing good ever happens. I have hate in my heart. I feel as if nothing I told Him meant a thing. On top of that, my house is a wreck, my dogs are driving me crazy, I cant stand being in public. I am disabled, but I don't ever have enough money to make it thru the month. I bought very little groceries this month, prices are ridiculous, and I get nothing in the way of food assistance. I don't want anyone to hand me money. I'd just like a small measure of peace, but I know that isn't going to happen. I'm afraid. I feel real fear that I'm not going to wake up in the morning. Who knows, maybe I won't. Maybe that will give me some peace. I don't know anymore what to say or do or think or feel. I'm just tired of fighting. My life isn't worth it, anyway. What can I do? I need a therapist or something.